A Christmas Throwdown/Throwout : RealHousewivesHell

A Christmas Throwdown/Throwout

by Real Real Housewife on 07/24/11

DAMN YOU JAY MOHR! Come out of hiding already! We all know you're curled up in a ball watching last week's episode on a loop, so enough already. Turn off your DVR, 'cause there's another fresh new batch of mess at the Gorga Christmas Party THIS week.

OK--since you're still not here, I'LL START! And watch out, because I've got my bodyguard here with me. Bet you didn't know THAT.

We start right in with tons of DRAMA at the decked-out Casa Gorga. Mel is kicking Monica's butt to the curb, all on behalf of Teresa. It goes rather smoothly with Mon wishing Mel "have a nice party." Soon enough Kim G takes out her ladle to start stirring the pot. She's making the rounds to whomever she thinks might take pity on poor her now that her friend-y had to leave. Of course the pity party is taking place with a circle of Gorga sisters and Cousin Kathy.

Before you can sit back and wonder who's on WWHL tonight, all hell breaks loose with Caroline telling Kim G. she's the incarnation of Danielle Staub and she she came to do nothing but cause pillaging and murder. Or something like that. We already saw in previews ad-infinitum Caroline's verbal bitch slap, so that great bit was no huge surprise. The happy little nugget we found tonight is that it MIGHT have been prompted by Lauren. GO LAUREN! Some softly-heard comment toward Kim G. made Mama Caro launch straight into her mama bear routine and go all Manzo on Kim's arse.

Manzo's all join in: male Manzo's, son Manzo's, Papa Manzo's --they're everywhere and I swear they started proliferating right then and there. I saw what must've been millions of Manzo's swaying Kim G. toward the front door , all trying to kick her on top of the heap at the snowy curb that is Monica.

But watch out! Kim G. and Monica didn't come alone! There's her bodyguard! He's like 80, but he says a thing or two so as to not lose face as all this mess is happening. I mean, he IS a bodyguard.

Young Chridofer Manzo manages to single out the prey that is Kim G. and escort her away from the killing fields. He just wanted to have a word with her, he said, and in a sense save her, since he knew everyone in that house would be carrying Team Manzo clubs if a real thrashing was to begin. He is trying to soften things since Kim G's son is his best friend. In some weird universe Kim G. was able to produce offspring that has a heart and a soul. Christopher doesn't want to lose that friend.

But none of this matters, because don't you realize, this a a roMANtic comedy and Joe and Teresa Guidice are in the background waiting for their car and they announce they are going to go home and make LU-UVVVVVVE! FYI, people, FYI.

Cut back to the tete a tete: Brother Albie is approaching Christopher and Kim G. and for some reason decides that it's his role to DEMAND Christopher leave the conversation right there and come into the house. Next thing I know the Manzo's-en-masse are ALL there circling Kim G. like a vulture and having their verbal way with her. "You came to cause trouble." "She's a clown." There is so much going on that of course Bravo provides sub-titles. THEN...Caroline announces that Kim G. is NOT welcome in the house and has to leave. BAM! BOOM! Done. Kim G's effervescent body guard appears magically with her broom and off they go into the night! In the starlight, you CAN SEE KIM G. TAKE OF HER MASK--REVEALING SHE IS REALLY DANIELLE STAUB! I KNEW IT!!!

Teresa, in a talking head interview, actually announces "ding-dong, the witch is dead." Beautiful. See? Families CAN come together during the holidays! I see a beautiful new relationship on the horizon for Tree and her brother and her Melissa. I can't wait to see who they shred at their New Year's Eve party!!! And Valentine's Day could be a real hoot!

Back in the house, Team Manzo gathers for a post-mortum in the war room. It's the moment Caroline has been trying to avoid for two years: a smackdown that might seriously injure her son's and Kim G.'s son's best friendship. "He's my boy," explains Christopher, which says it all. "It just SUUUCKKKKS!" There's some more rehashing, Chridopher feels bad, and then his phone rings. It's John. He walks off to take the call where his family can't heave flying pepperonis.

"It's his best friend's mudder?" Amazingly, a totally toasted Joe Gorga is JUST now making an appearance in all this melee as he overhears someone say Kim G's son is Christopher's best friend's mother. It's so great--don't forget to rewind and play it a few times. I'll help: "It's his best friend's mudder?" I love it. But don't give me that crap, Gorga--I know you watched last season. Keep it straight, honey! But whatever. It occurs to me that we just had a kick-out to end all kick-outs with huge hive of gorgeous, irate Italians doing the kicking, but Joe Gorga was nowhere to be found. COME ON, SMASH A TABLE OR SOMETHING! I also like this new, zen-version of Joe, which is really just Joe being buzzed. Wine, this time I think, because he's not angry like at the christening on episode one. That day was probably nothing but hard liquor.

PREZZZZZZZZZZZZZZENTS!!!!! Melissa is heading in with the cameras to her lie-berry to check out all the PRESENTS that the guests have brought for sick children. I mean, she would NEVER have a party this grand without doing something for CHARITY associated with it! I think she needs to decompress as she tries to figure out how she feels about Caroline kicking someone out of HER house during HER party. On one hand, she think's it's odd, but on the other hand, she hopes that someday her kids will slam dunk someone's ass out of a party on her behalf if that someone offends HER. She actually wants her kids to write this down for future reference for Real Housewives of New Jersey of the year 2030. (I can't freaking WAIT for that! Gia has so much to give this series! I can tell!) Anyhoo, Melissa shuts everyone out of the lie-berry and spends the rest of the evening by herself playing. And I am SO jealous. Melissa emotes that she has to get all these presents out of here before her kids see them because they'll want to tear into them of course. DUH! God, if Melissa were my mother and took all those toys away I'd kill her. There. Your story line for RHONJ 2030. It all writes itself, really.

But back here in 2011 (which is actually December 2010), there are goodbyes, some atta-boys that they got through the party without a Gorga-Guidice fight, and Caroline apologizes for taking over Melissa house. Party over. NEXT.

We are now at Kathy Wakile's house (she is NOT dressed like Annie Hall today) doing some sort of big family-Christmas-cooking brouhaha. Kathy's mom (who is older sister to Teresa's dad) is on-hand and so are the kids. Also, Kathy's sister Rosie who is about to get famous (I overheard Andy Cohen mention her as WWHL was playing when I was walking through the room earlier when I was taping it but before I watched it..oh, nevermind!) Whatever--Rosie (this Rosie, not Luann's housekeeper Rosie) is going to be on WWHL with Andy Cohen who is her new big fan. Anyway, the cooking continues (and Kid-Wakile has on the CUTEST "litte black apron" apron which of course is black and has that "little black apron" embroidered on it. A little strand of pearls is attached. Oh, Lord help me--it's like the Sky brand shirts and dresses that ALL the housewives wear with the jewelry and big medallions attached. I love them and now have about 30. To be perfectly clear, I also love the bright red poppy flower Lauren Manzo fashioned earlier this season. I loved it so much I stopped everything including my DVR and Googled "poppy flower apron" and up it popped on Amazon. Twenty-four little dollars later it was mine and it is WAY cute on me.)

Kid Wakile and grandma are stuffing mushrooms, which makes me think of a bunch of jokes I won't bother with right now. Soon enough Kathy reveals that Drama, AKA Teresa and Joe will not be coming to THEIR Christmas party because she never GOT the chance to even ask her because Teresa was MEAN to her. They launch into a story on how Teresa's father is the king of holding grudges. In fact, he even wrote a book--ha ha. Ok there's no book, but there is a story, and the story revolves around someone selling someone a shoe repair shop and someone didn't get full payment (or DID they?) and each side thought he was right and it all boiled down to PRIIIIIDE. Both wanted to be right. Grandma instructs everyone on how long this lasted and how much it hurt her. The Gorga kids listen carefully and take everything in so they will know how to behave toward each other when they haveTHEIR grudges in a few years. (Again, 2030 just WRITING ITSELF!)

There's a phone call and it's Melissa telling Kathy that she is going to be a bit late for the Christmas celebration as they have to stop at Teresa's and I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS. I'm excited for me, I'm excited for Gia, I'm excited for the Gorga baby girl (whose name I can never remember) and I'm also excited for Jay Mohr (GET UP JAY!). I guess I should also be excited for Joe Guidice's punching bag as no doubt it will see some action as Juicy will have to prepare and warm up in case anyone ticks him off.

Fuggedaboutit. Not only do we have a commercial, we come back to Caroline at the radio station. So far this Christmas sucks, and I don't know WHY we're not watching Gia and Girl Gorga playing right now, but here we are. Not every day's a christening, right? Not every day do we get to throw out Kim G. Like the ebb and flow of life, we must have downtime and recover from the drama. THESE are the days of our lives.

Not so fast, 'cause soon Caroline is crying in her mic. "Delores, Family Friend" is on hand because everyone gets to bring their BFF's to work with them. Oh wait, Delores actually gets to talk. Brand-new DJ/announcer/personality Caroline Manzo already bringing in experts to her she-ow. Ok fine. God! Jacqueline is calling her husband and everyone yelling at them to listen to Caroline's show. "This is like my favorite radio show now, I'm so excited," chirps Jacqueline. Divorce, guilt, traumatized children. These are the happy topics Caroline is handing out during this Christmas saison.

Are you KIDDING ME right now? CAROLINE'S BROTHER IS CALLING IN-GIVE ME A BREAK NO MA'AM! HE'S CALLING INTO HIS SISTER'S RADIO SHOW AND THIS IS SOOO LAME! "I realized it was my brother Chris..." she says, and now he's asking something about why Ashley doesn't love him more since he gives her a new car every week. Brother Manzo, *I* love you! You're doing everything right--don't worry. Ashley is perfect and is a model of gratitude and compassion. No worries here. Caroline gives some boring advice that might make some of you tear up but dammit, not me. Over it!

FINALLY IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY AT TERESA'S!!! As I write this, Christmas is exactly five months away here in 2011, but I already have everything I want upon viewing this episode. Oh, me, Audriana's dress is giving me goodbumps. "Always dis one over here crying." God. What? Joe Guidice is out of bed already? I love everything he ever says.

"MILANIA, NO!" I love it. Milania is such a little criminal. She is always doing something bad because I think she just likes to hear the sound of her name. This time Gia busted her trying to burn down the place a couple times. WAIT UNTIL 2030, MILANIA, WHEN YOU'RE A PRINCIPAL ON THIS SHOW! YOU'LL NEED A RELEVANT STORY LINE and an arson on Christmas Eve is just the ticket! D'oh! Audiana's dress really is AWESOME and I totally want that big ol' flower in her hair! God, I need to have some daughters. My male dogs aren't cuttin' it and are getting laughed out of the dogparks everytime I dress them.

Now Teresa is explaining why she serves seven kinds of "fishes" for the holiday. Or something about it's SUPPOSE to be seven but she just serves whatever because she can't count that high (JK, Teresa--'cause I love ya!).

Teresa takes this opportunity to announce GIA'S ENGAGEMENT to some little boy who gave her a ring (that looks like Princess Di's/Duchess Catherine's ring so I wonder if there is a royal connection. Prince Harry may have seen her modeling gig just like Prince William fell in love with Catherine when SHE took to the catwalk. But, excuse me, NO ONE does it like Gia. Not even a future princess.). Grandpa just wants to know what it costs, and supposes it costs about $300,000. In his mind he is hocking it and trying to save some of the furniture or something. Audriana is still walking around with her cute little bow and is calculating what kind of ring she might nab someday. She hopes it's bigger than Gia's, and is all ready to hold a Gorga grudge if it isn't, dammit.

Teresa's talking head tells us that "us Gorga's" have great personalities, but not Melissa. Everyone toasts to that, and...SCENE!

Casa Melissa's. She is talking to her kids about the meaning of Christmas. Little Girl Gorga (SO cute in her cat-burglar hat) talks of snow and presents. Mama Melissa says yes to all that, but most of all it's Jesus' birthday, which is why we threw a $50,000 party last week! WHOO HOO! Little Girl Gorga cannot BELIEVE that EVERY Christmas is Jesus birthday (she is SO cute!) and wants to know how old He is. Melissa doesn't have a clue but figures it's about 89.

Joe and Melissa discuss HOW LONG they are going to be able to stand being over at Teresa and Juicy's. He's all concerned about how Guidice's parents will behave on this loverly holiday eve. An hour is all they'll stay because Joe cannot stand discomfort of any kind. Well, thanks for dressing up like a girl at every chance, Brother Joe! That is never awkward. And punching a table..oh, never mind.

Caroline's House. Party prep. She has never been this disorganized, and is speaking of making mushrooms. What is it with the mushrooms? What is this code for? Are we for realzies here? She tells us she likes to celebrate by wearing Albert's clothes and no makeup. A new grandma whom I can't ever remember seeing before shows up with the secret Christmas olive sauce. What is THAT code for? I can't take the subterfuge. Caroline tells us she takes in stray cats and then Jacqueline appears with a talking head about how sad it is for Ashley that she gets two Christmases and double the presents (I call BS on that one!). Jac's baby starts grabbing Caroline's face because he can't believe she didn't wear makeup. Ashley is bragging about her new car, but says it's stll not good enough for stepfather to earn her love.

Now Chris is here and bugging his mother about whom she might throw out of THIS party. He starts with their favorite phrase "there's nothing good that can come out of..." fill in the blanks. Nothing good that can come out of people hating each other, he says. Now I remember that Kim G., in some tweet or status update or something, alluded that a producer invited her to the party. Like it's all for the show or something. So you see, there IS something good that can come out of that, Chridopher. Drama. Ratings. Kim G.'s Q rating rising. Geez, quit being such a downer! Don't you know all bad is good and all good is bad in Housewives-land?

The Manzo boys dis Santa Claus, trying to have some cute chit-chat about how he should get a real job that's year-round. And..scene.

A commercial about the new movie "The Help." It looks so good--I really want to see it. I know I won't even bother until it comes out on DVD. Who am I kidding? YOWZA! SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING it's a promo for Real HW of New York and Jill Zarin is threatening Ramona and pointing a finger! Good thing that finger's not pointed at a keyboard because THAT would be cyber-bullying, and we all know how Jill feels about THAT.

Back to Casa Caroline's where, for those of you keeping score, we have the Manzo clan and the Laurita clan. Ashley shares that all she wants for Christmas is for stepdad to like her. He lays down his stipulations which bore me and I start thinking about tomorrow's Real HW of NY reunion again. I think Jacqueline's red top she is wearing in her talking head with the gold leaf belt is Sky brand but I can't be sure. GEEZ is Ashley still talking. I may have to do some online shopping for a new top if this isn't over soon.

Car of Gorga's. Joe announces he is going to have a lot to drink tonight. WELL BLOW ME DOWN WHAT IS IT, A HOLIDAY? Oh wait, it's Tuesday. Yes, Joe, we know you're going to drink. Melissa starts referencing the christening RUCKUS again and to be specific she said blah blah blah blah OH MIGOSH SHE IS BRINGING A FREAKING BOX OF COOKIES TO TERESA'S! This is like a whole other Christmas gift to ME! Are you SEEING this JAY? What fate awaits these cookies? THIS IS AWESOME!

Back at Teresa's some other new family members show up. Joe Guidice's side of the family but honestly I've officially lost count. Nothing really happens with the cookies but Melissa tells Tree her dress is too short and Tree disses Melissa's excuse for a dress and expresses concern for the children present. Teresa tells some story about when they are kids playing house and I miss some of it but I'm not sure I want to know.

Photographs, Santa, everything that says "Baby Jesus' birthday" is alive and well in this house. The scene ends with Audriana walking around in her cute baby dress again but this time she looks schlockered and I feel sad for her. Her flower-fascinator's dun come loose, too.

Promo for WWHL with Caroline Manzo and what's his name and Caroline kicks Andy Cohen out. You're not welcome here. I think she wants Jay.

Tree's house again. The kids are assessing how they liked the presents and the evening in general. Milania, that corrupted kid, announces that Santa wasn't really Santa, it was REALLY Nona (read: Grandma). Tree tries to shut her up before the jig is up for all the kids. Lies, lies, lies. Melissa's daughter, who looks older than Milania, expresses conviction that Santa was Santa. But I'm not sure if she's naive, or playing it up for the younger kids (and the slower adults). Some things we'll never know. A good question for the reunion, I think. Make a note, people.

Time to eat. Joe and Joe are talking about dried fish and cod. They watch the girls and kids in the other room posing for pictures, and you can tell this is the photo finish they've dreamed of. A cute scene where Uncle Joe finds out about Gia's engagement and threatens her fiance. BUT THEN we're almost out of time and we have to cut this down to make room for WWHL and all of a sudden Juicy is in the background calling someone an animal and a raccoon face and a witch, and apparantly he's talking about Melissa, or at least Bravo's editing leads us to believe that. Ok--so ALMOST a photo finish. We're "to be continued" as Brother Joe announces to Teresa that they have to blow this popcicle stand and head over to Cousin Kathy's.


Next week, Teresa whines about Brother Joe leaving, Ashley fails to get her own mother a Christmas present, Caroline gets the gold Rolex, and a hungover Gia yacks on camera (almost).

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